There’s an old friend of mine that had a serious issue with compulsive lying. He was a solid dude, and one of my best friends, but sometimes the stories that came out of his mouth were downright hilarious.
One summer during high school, he tried to convince us on 3 separate occasions that he was quitting school, enlisting in the army and shipping off to war. Now, despite the obvious fact that Canada was not at war during this time, he fully committed to this story. Every single time he went off on this tangent, we would throw him a going away party and say some heartfelt goodbyes, only to see him skating down Dundas Street a week later. His excuse? He’s not committing to the Army just yet, because the Navy might give him more money. Riiiiiiiiight. Another time at a New Years Eve party, he told several other guests that he was a blacksmithing apprentice, an avid skydiver and a freelance photographer on the side. In reality, he was a dishwasher, and played a lot of Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 4 in his parents basement. I haven’t seen this guy in years, but I’ve heard he’s still like this. He’s also still trying to convince everyone he’s joining the Army.
Because I’ve never wanted to be a guy like that, and have my asshole friends write blog posts about me, I’ve always tried to be the most honest person possible. It’s really just simpler that way. No back stories to remember, no need to worry about keeping things straight. I like to think that I’m a pretty real person, and that I’m honest, almost to the point of being brutal. However, there are some moments where I too am like “Why did you just let that total horse shit flow out of your mouth Jay!”
Below, I’m sharing a short list of bullshit statements I’ve uttered at some point, and their truthful counterparts…
Bullshit: I’m broke.
Fact: I’m not buying a private island or anything, but I can afford to have a couple of Steamwhistle can vans delivered straight from the Brewery to my house.
Bullshit: Today? I’ve been awake since 6am. So far I’ve gone for a jog, a bike ride down town, cleaned my apartment, caught up on emails, paid bills, done some homework and made my work lunches for the week.
Fact: I slept ’til noon, reheated a poutine for breakfast, and am currently considering taking my second nap of the day.
Bullshit: I never miss anyone.
Fact: I miss every human being I’ve ever even remotely been acquaintances with. Who knew?
Bullshit: I vote for the Green Party.
Fact: I want to vote for the Green Party, but I vote Liberal because they actually have a chance of being elected.
Bullshit: I don’t cuddle.
Fact: I am a cuddling machine.
Bullshit: I cleaned the entire house.
Fact: I swept the areas in the kitchen and living room that you can see. The dust piles are under the couch.
Bullshit: Oh man, I’ve been super busy lately.
Fact: Talky, talky talky. No more talky.
Bullshit: My barber is the coolest person I know.
Fact: I wish I was my barber.
Bullshit: My life has been an ever escalating series of mistakes.
Fact: Nah, it’s been alright thus far.
Bullshit: Message me on Facebook, we’ll sort it out.
Fact: I’m blowing you off. Facebook is the worst way to get a hold of me.
Bullshit: I hate driving.
Fact: I like pretending I’m a race car driver with a load of groceries in the trunk.
Bullshit: I like engaging television shows, with with deep characters and well thought out plot lines.
Fact: I like teen dramas on the WB
Bullshit: I wanna go to some show tonight. I’m on the guest list, and I can get white girl wasted on the free drink tickets I know I can scam.
Fact: I wanna eat an entire pizza in bed, watch Gossip Girl reruns and pass the F out at 9 pm.
Bullshit: I know exactly what I’m doing with my life. I’ve got my shit together, and I know how to get where I’m going.
Fact: I have no fucking idea.
Bullshit: I don’t watch porn.
Fact: I am currently watching porn.
Bullshit: Longboarding is gay.
Fact: Longboarding has absolutely nothing to do with one’s sexual preference, but it is dumb, and you look dumb doing it. Unless you’re bombing serious hills on one, you should go buy a real skateboard.
I really don’t like salad though.
Bury Me In Vans 
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