Taylor Swift vs. Lana Del Rey

Second marriages are always hard. Especially on the kids.

I remember the first time fell in love with Lan. I call her Lan, then she slaps me and says that’s not her name, and she’s not putting up with my nonsense. It’s a thing I like to pretend we have. So, I remember the first time fell in love with Lana. It wasn’t during the summer of 2014, the way I tell everyone it was. It was actually much later. Ultraviolence hadn’t actually ‘just came out’ – it was definitely a few years after the fact. But I was sitting on a couch at Comfort Zone smoking a camel light at 4am. In my defense though, I was mildly aware of Lana and her moody mid-tempo songs about pining for the west coast. They definitely did play Ultraviolence front to back, which was very out of character for Comfort Zone at the time, apparently. Must have been an off night? I was much more of a Cold Tea fan. I was conscious enough to Shazaam it though, just to confirm my suspicions. It was also weird that I got reception in the basement that night :/. Shazaam’s a life saver – you can’t always be on the cusp of pop culture when you’re busy being a digital marketing Don Draper/asshole.

It was a typically sour night. Probably a Tuesday. Cold Tea probably wasn’t open and I was smoking American cigarettes, which I shouldn’t have been smoking in the first place, in a basement. Sitting on a couch of very questionable cleanliness, in an after-hours spot I couldn’t really afford, trying not to head back to my apartment that I could almost afford. I was moody. Lana was moody. It was just what I needed.

Her general malaise gets me hotter than a single serving girlfriend walking away from my bed wearing nothing but my plaid shirt from the previous night. Smoking cigs and telling it like it is. Lana may or may not have actually fucked her way up to the top, but at least she doesn’t hide it behind cleverly titled pop songs about Harry Styles. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. My ex, current flame and I all disagree on morning drinks – tequila sunrise vs. caesars vs…. purple vitamin water, probably? (I’m aware Lana quit drinking years ago, so don’t bother pointing that out) Totally fine, because I can’t get them in the same room together. Or in a room with me for that matter.

I can’t wait for her to meet my Mother.

In the meantime, I’m still drinking Tecate, smoking American Spirits and falling in love with bartenders on Queen West. But don’t tell Lana. I’ve graduated to much more expensive cigarettes, and better after hours dives. When trying to be your best self, your liquor’s gotta be top shelf. At this point, who knows who my kids’ (read: my fake, stuffed dachshund from Ikea) second step mom will be. This isn’t permanent, nothing is. Sometimes things just don’t work out, and that’s fine.

Lana is the now the new, darker step mom. The kids hate her, but she’s probably the one you should have been with the first place. While she does need to step up her merch design game, Taylor still doesn’t make a shirt that would actually fit me, despite my many complaints. Taylor never listens to me anymore, and I think that was the problem. Communication kids, it’s key. Satan knows I tried, but sometimes things just don’t work out. Also, 23 dollars for a magazine at Target is a little ridiculous, Tay.

Stay together for the kids, kids (but actually don’t)


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