I Can Tell You The Exact Moment I Fell In Love With Taylor Swift.

Taylor Swift rules.  Fight me.

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Taylor and I’s courtship began early on in her career.  Way before the whole ‘I love Taylor Swift, yet I’m a grown ass man – I’m so ironic!’ phase we’re currently living/suffering through.  I’ve been a proud Swiftie since somewhere circa 2007-2008, and I came out as such, because I don’t give a shit.

If I remember correctly ‘Picture to Burn’ was the tune that sold me – still a great song and video to this day. Chris Slater was listening to her self-titled album in his ’96 Ford Ranger when we went golfing one day. Incidentally, I don’t think I’ve ever golfed since – Taylor isn’t really a fan. Those were some tough times, and I didn’t have the buffer of all these other ‘I love Taylor Swift, yet I’m a grown ass man – I’m so ironic!’ dudes as a cushion that we have today.  It’s probably akin to being a punk kid in the seventies, with the whole getting beat up daily and shit routine. Ipso facto: Taylor Swift is pretty punk rock.

September 19, 2009, was the exact night I fell in love. OK! FINE!! I’ll tell you the story, but only because you’re insisting!!!

Tay (I call her Tay, she calls me Jay – It’s a thing I like to pretend we have) and I had a very low-key fictitious courtship up until that point, and as such, she did not think to invite me as her date to the 2009 MTV VMA’s. Thus, I was forced to watch the awards from home, on my couch, in my sweat pants. When she was announced as the winner of the video of the year moon man, I jumped right off the couch, as I was so ecstatic for my fictional bae. Then suddenly, one Kanye Omari West stormed the stage and grabbed Taylor’s mic during her acceptance speech. Then I became confused and also angry. WHAT WAS THIS?! WHAT’S GOING ON TAY?! I felt like I should be doing something to defend my fictional girlfriend, that I’m in this imaginary relationship with. Then, Kanye The Douchenozzle spoke. “Yo, Taylor, I’m really happy for you and I’mma let you finish, but Beyoncé had one of the best videos of all time. One of the best videos of all time!” Watching her heart break as that ego maniacal jackass tore the microphone out of her hand and disrespected her like that, was the moment I fell in love.

My rage subsided, and I eventually sat my ass down, but now I felt the need for revenge…

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Also, that Beyoncé video sucked. Fight me.

Similarly, I once saw a commercial for the re-vamped version of MTV’s punk’d, where Taylor was to get punk’d by someone. Once again, I jumped right off my straight from the Ikea as-is section couch in anger. I tweeted my rage to my 54 twitter followers…

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Yeah! that’ll show ’em…

Now, you might, tell me I’m insane, for getting pretty riled up over events outside of my control in this fictitious relationship with someone I’ve never met, and you’re probably right so let me add a mute point in my defence. This infatuation is not a sexual thing, trust me. Her current fashion sense does nothing for me at all (don’t get me started on this high-waisted mom jeans thing…we don’t have all day here) and I’m pretty sure she looks really weird naked, so whatever. This infatuation is clearly, purely a musical/personality thing. And it probably wouldn’t last. I think she’s starting to notice that I’ve also been really impressed/infatuated with Hayley Williams from Paramore ever since Riot! came out. And they’re pretty close friends sooooooo…

The break-up song Tay would inevitably write about our made-up relationship, would probably be about how I put too much ketchup on all of my food, or how I leave bread crumbs all over the kitchen counter when I make us tuna melts (I make us a lot of tuna melts in my head). The music video to accompany said song, would likely involve her letting the air out of the tires on my single speed bicycle and then throwing all of my plaid shirts out the window of my one-bedroom apartment. It would not be a hit with the music buying public.

I finally saw a Taylor Swift show on the Red Tour in 2013 and tweeted my excitement to my, now a whopping 78, twitter followers.

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I say that, without a doubt, that show was the greatest performance I’ve ever seen in my life. And I’ve seen a lot of shows man.

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I even bought the t-shirt.  Even though it’s sized to fit a huskier girl, I wear it proudly.

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