Part I Part II Part III Part IV Part V
We packed up and left Condomino Campestre El Peñon and headed back through The Andes ( Is it The Andes? Do we know for sure yet? I’m sure it’s The Andes, someone look that up) back to Bogota.
Even in South America, I’m still a full time member of the NO FUN club…
The Twingo was more loaded this time, and there were a few moments when I thought those 65 horses of Colombian muscle weren’t going to make it up a hill.
But the Twingo, like a good Twingo, never let us down.
After moremoremore Bogota traffic, we made it to our zone 6 apartment.
Similar to The Hunger Games (or whatever) The neighbourhoods in Bogota are named by zone. The higher the number, the more expensive the rent, utilities and so on. And safer. Or so you would think. The zones go up to 8…I think. I wasn’t really paying attention to that part of the tour from our Translator. I was too busy being on the lookout for Shakira’s apartment (I read a rumour that it’s nearby) Before meeting with our AirBNB host (Who did NOT speak a lick of English FYI) We made a quick stop and had a pow wow with Mama Correal, and then some quick hangover burgers at an Andres Express in a mall food court. It was re-enforced AGAIN that this Andres place is supposed to be THE thing to do in Colombia. After all these stories, I really don’t know what I’m supposed to expect from this place. Nothing really exists about Andres on the internet. There’s a couple travel blogs that mention it briefly. There’s also a couple of grainy YouTube videos, but that’s it. No official web page, nothing. What the actual fuck man? But at least at the express version in the mall food court, they have really good burgers. I really miss burgers right now.
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Amongst trying, and failing, to figure out the Spanish language, South American culture and the value of Pesos I’ve developed this maniacal obsession with how much everything here costs in relation to how much people make. A beer at a dive bar is about .87 cents. A Maxim-type magazine is about $2 (and contains way more T & A than a Maxim) Yet rent on a 2 bedroom, 2 bath in Zone 6 is about $3000/month. This, in a country where no one is middle class…you’re either homeless, poor or filthy rich. Also, in that $3000 apartment, there is still that bucket of poop-paper in the bathroom. $3000 + utilities. $3000+ utilities in a neighbourhood that you still really shouldn’t walk around alone in after 7pm. How the actual fuck do people survive in this city?
This country is gorgeous, but it’s fucked. They’ve basically been in a civil war for 60 years, and there’s parts of the country you just don’t go to. A lot of the homeless people in the city are basically refugees from these areas. And they’re very aggressive. Getting robbed at knife point or becoming a random victim of Scopolamine are very real fears. You’re always on high alert, and being constantly aware of your surroundings is strongly advised. So definitely no Instragraming your #delicious photogenic #cup of Juan Valdez #coffee outside the shop #caffenated #juanvaldezstagram #deathbeforedecaf. There were some sketchy situations here and there where I almost peed a little. This, from a guy who thinks nothing of walking the quickest way home from the bar alone through Seaton Village, Moss and Regent Parks just to save a few dollars getting home at 3 AM.
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After checking into our apartment, We immediately went back out…
We managed to find the most punk rock-ish bar in the city (even though there were U2 posters on the wall) A small victory I guess. We also hit up some club where our new best friend Santi, our roommate from El Peñon, worked at. I danced. I killed it. I think. And I was an 8 in the sea of 0’s.
I have a ‘Dancing Face’ and this is it…
My Accountant, being the responsible Accountant that he is , tried his hand at black jack. He seemed to be doing alright, so my Translator and I helped ourselves to some cerveza’s with his winnings. All in all, #winning…is that still a thing? No Jay, it’s not.
Oh yeah, the thing to do in Bogota (OK, the OTHER thing to do, besides go to Andres) is get some beers and Aguardiente and drink in the front of the grocery store. A grocery store that looks suspiciously like a Sobey’s. I swear I’m not homesick. I’m actually having fun.
I’m having the best time.
Bury Me In Vans 
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