Category: Shenanigans
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“If This Trip Doesn’t Kill Us, This Tienda Crawl Will”
Part I I really did go to Colombia for the second time, and I really did feel safe. Despite what all the white people you know will try to tell you, it’s quite safe. It was 5:30 AM, flight number blah blah, gate whatever. As opposed to lying down and simply pretending to sleep for…
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What A Time To Be Barely Alive
All of this actually happened, more or less. The drinking parts, I can guarantee, are pretty much true…from what I can remember. I really was asked if I wanted to buy cocaine 14 times in the 7 or so hours I actually spent in Cartagena proper. I really did see The Weeknd in the…
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You Are Here
Where you are is where you are, and that’s just the way it is. You’ve gotta know where you’ve came from to know where you’re going. From here to there, and back to here. The days just keep rolling on…yadda yadda yadda, blah blah blah. Describing this past year as the time I dropped a…
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A Guided Tour of Chicago – II
Part I They’re the two young(ish) white(sort of) squatter(nah, we paid) kids(adults) with dirty(totally clean) undershirts and rotten(OBVIOUSLY NOT!) teeth. I’m a drunk with a job, I got the pictures to prove it. I got some junk in my trunk and the dance moves to move it. I am written on subway walls. I am…
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The Northside, The L&L and Any Number of Crappy Apartments – Chicago I
I spent the last day of my 33rd year strapped into the comfortable passenger seat of a black 2013 Hyundai Elantra. A black 2013 Hyundai Elantra that gets incredible gas mileage, even when you’re driving like a total asshole to keep up with other asshole American drivers. My Accountant and I are barreling westbound across 4 states via…
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YYZ –> LAS: The Wave – III
Part I Part II Las Vegas, in daylight, is actually quite a sad place, and not dream-like in any way whatsoever. Ironically, the bright lights at night do a great job of hiding what, in reality, is a pretty run down, dirty shit hole. The hobo-sized beers you can buy at every Walgreen’s…
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YYZ –> LAS: A Savage AF Journey in Search of The American Dream RN – II
Part I Denny’s: America’s Diner, and an Embassy for the Country-less. I’m not going to bother explaining most of that reference. It’s an inside joke between my Accountant and I, and it’s not that funny. But now they serve booze at most locations. That’s great! They will however, forget to bring your extra side of bacon. That’s…
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2015: She’s Over Kids…
Drop out of college, move to the city, get a career anyway, and all this could be yours… 7 Weddings in 12 months. Shout out to my liver for getting me through all those table wines and complimentary Tom Collins’. and Johnny! 2015, you were pretty rad.
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YYZ –>BOG IX: Thirty-One
Part I Part II Part III Part IV Part V Part VI Part VII Part IIX The travels of Sal Paradise documented in On The Road spanned 7 years, and took Kerouac 3 weeks to write. I’ve always hated that book (for reasons I’ll gladly discuss with you…
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YYZ –>BOG VII: Fear and Loathing in Chia
Part I Part II Part III Part IV Part V Part VI Alright, it’s about bloody time I get to this part. Andres. Chia. My Accountant and I have about 72 hours left in Colombia. As I’ve said waaaaay too many times throughout these aimless stories about being…
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YYZ –>BOG VI: LIfe in The World’s Most Expensive City
Part I Part II Part III Part IV Part V We packed up and left Condomino Campestre El Peñon and headed back through The Andes ( Is it The Andes? Do we know for sure yet? I’m sure it’s The Andes, someone look that up) back to Bogota. Even…
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YYZ –>BOG V: Those Mornings After Living Like A Middle Class Drug Lord
Part I Part II Part III Part IV We may, or may not have run out of money in El Peñon, and our Accountant needed to pick up a quick part time job to cover us for our remaining few days here… A maid in Colombia costs something like…
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YYZ –>BOG IV: ‘Bout That El Peñon Life
Part I Part II Part III Back to story time. We made it! Soooo many memories.
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YYZ –>BOG III: Fuck La Policia
Part I Part II Ever look back on something and say ‘Oh shit, that was a crazy time’? Well, I remember the time I got pulled over by Colombian police twice in one day, and thought I was going to have to bribe my way out of the situation both times. So, moving…
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YYZ –>BOG II: Jurassic Park: The Ride
Part I That Alexisonfire song with that ‘anxiety chokes me like razor wire’ lyric that’s so overused by attention-seeking kids with questionable anxiety problems on Facebook. I’m going to use it to describe how every building in Bogota that isn’t falling apart is surrounded by razor wire. Bogota is an absolutely beautiful city, but the undertones of…
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YYZ —> BOG: Gate E76, Seat 22C
Save all your pennies in a grey ceramic pig. Sell all your shit to get on a plane, so you can fly away. Pretend to be gay (not that there’s anything wrong with that) and married (not that there’s anything wrong with that either) so you can get free international health coverage on a your…
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I fucking Hate The Guess Who
I know, I claim to be into music of all genres. And I really am, honestly. I’m not one of those jagoffs who ‘loves everything except rap’ or ‘Can’t stand that country music’ Ask me to DJ your birthday party (Please do. DJ Dawson From Dawson’s Creek is for hire, and I’m cheap) You’ll get…
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These Fries Could Use A Little Salt…
It was Devil’s Night 2009 and, as there is every other year in London, Ontario, there was a Matadors show at Call The Office (This was also the same night I met wifey, but that’s a different, boring, go nowhere story altogether) I had seen Evan around…we were bar friends, and not much more than…
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Don’t Call My Name…
When I was 25, I was in a bit of a weird spot. My quarter life crisis was in full swing and the only real friends I had were either dead, or lived in a another city that they refused to leave. I had plans to leave London, because it didn’t feel like home and…
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Calabogie…More like, Cala-booger, amirite?
So. Last weekend, in my never ending pursuit to not sit down and die in my swivelling office chair, I decided to pretend I was 15 again, and try to go snowboarding not to break my neck whilst hauling ass down a tiny mountain in snow pants. The only catch was we had to listen…
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Single Mothers – Nice Dresses
That’s yours truly at 1:24. Though, 1:29 is possibly one of the best faces I’ve made on the internet.
Bury Me In Vans 
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