Category: Travel
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New Orleans is Sinking, Cause I’m a Fat Bag of Garbage That Eats 3 Beignets at Every Meal
That Tragically Hip song is actually really good. Actually, The Tragically Hip is really good. I kinda feel bad about all the shit I’ve talked over the years. Whatever. I would fly to The Mississippi Delta during hurricane season, when an actual hurricane is pounding people 2 states over. Look out everyone, Ol’ Two Tits…
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“If This Trip Doesn’t Kill Us, This Tienda Crawl Will”
Part I I really did go to Colombia for the second time, and I really did feel safe. Despite what all the white people you know will try to tell you, it’s quite safe. It was 5:30 AM, flight number blah blah, gate whatever. As opposed to lying down and simply pretending to sleep for…
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What A Time To Be Barely Alive
All of this actually happened, more or less. The drinking parts, I can guarantee, are pretty much true…from what I can remember. I really was asked if I wanted to buy cocaine 14 times in the 7 or so hours I actually spent in Cartagena proper. I really did see The Weeknd in the…
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A Guided Tour of Chicago – II
Part I They’re the two young(ish) white(sort of) squatter(nah, we paid) kids(adults) with dirty(totally clean) undershirts and rotten(OBVIOUSLY NOT!) teeth. I’m a drunk with a job, I got the pictures to prove it. I got some junk in my trunk and the dance moves to move it. I am written on subway walls. I am…
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The Northside, The L&L and Any Number of Crappy Apartments – Chicago I
I spent the last day of my 33rd year strapped into the comfortable passenger seat of a black 2013 Hyundai Elantra. A black 2013 Hyundai Elantra that gets incredible gas mileage, even when you’re driving like a total asshole to keep up with other asshole American drivers. My Accountant and I are barreling westbound across 4 states via…
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23 Short Stories About La Belle Province – Part I
That’s Quebec, for those who aren’t fluent in my personal version of Franglais. There’s something about that province that turns me into a complete animal. Without fail, as soon as I cross that imaginary line on the map and the 401 becomes Auto route 20, I become a madman. First, it’s straight to Schwartz’s for a smoked…
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YYZ –> LAS: The Wave – III
Part I Part II Las Vegas, in daylight, is actually quite a sad place, and not dream-like in any way whatsoever. Ironically, the bright lights at night do a great job of hiding what, in reality, is a pretty run down, dirty shit hole. The hobo-sized beers you can buy at every Walgreen’s…
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YYZ –> LAS: A Savage AF Journey in Search of The American Dream RN – II
Part I Denny’s: America’s Diner, and an Embassy for the Country-less. I’m not going to bother explaining most of that reference. It’s an inside joke between my Accountant and I, and it’s not that funny. But now they serve booze at most locations. That’s great! They will however, forget to bring your extra side of bacon. That’s…
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YTZ –> EWR: 2016
♫Welcome to New-Wark, Welcome to New-Wark♫ I hummed to myself (to the melody of my bae’s Welcome to New York, obviously) as we landed at Newark Liberty in New Jersey (shout out to Porter for those 2 free 8am Steam Whistles and that bag of those dehydrated apple chip things) Jersey. Last time I was…
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BOG –> YYZ X: We Survived Colombia
Part I Part II Part III Part IV Part V Part VI Part VII Part IIX Part IX Sitting in our Bogota apartment on our last morning in the city, I’m drinking up the remaining dregs of the left over Colombiana and Aguila. The maid…
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YYZ –>BOG IIX: Saturday
Part I Part II Part III Part IV Part V Part VI Part VII Think summer vacation when you’re a kid, when that last week of August begins, and it starts to set in that you’ll have to go back to stupid school soon. You waste those final dog days…
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YYZ –>BOG VII: Fear and Loathing in Chia
Part I Part II Part III Part IV Part V Part VI Alright, it’s about bloody time I get to this part. Andres. Chia. My Accountant and I have about 72 hours left in Colombia. As I’ve said waaaaay too many times throughout these aimless stories about being…
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YYZ –>BOG VI: LIfe in The World’s Most Expensive City
Part I Part II Part III Part IV Part V We packed up and left Condomino Campestre El Peñon and headed back through The Andes ( Is it The Andes? Do we know for sure yet? I’m sure it’s The Andes, someone look that up) back to Bogota. Even…
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YYZ –>BOG III: Fuck La Policia
Part I Part II Ever look back on something and say ‘Oh shit, that was a crazy time’? Well, I remember the time I got pulled over by Colombian police twice in one day, and thought I was going to have to bribe my way out of the situation both times. So, moving…
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YYZ –>BOG II: Jurassic Park: The Ride
Part I That Alexisonfire song with that ‘anxiety chokes me like razor wire’ lyric that’s so overused by attention-seeking kids with questionable anxiety problems on Facebook. I’m going to use it to describe how every building in Bogota that isn’t falling apart is surrounded by razor wire. Bogota is an absolutely beautiful city, but the undertones of…
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YYZ —> BOG: Gate E76, Seat 22C
Save all your pennies in a grey ceramic pig. Sell all your shit to get on a plane, so you can fly away. Pretend to be gay (not that there’s anything wrong with that) and married (not that there’s anything wrong with that either) so you can get free international health coverage on a your…
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Yoj, You’re My World, You’re So Rad, You Were The Best Ride I Ever Had
Can you see the ninja in this photo? Didn’t think so… Never in my life have I become so attached to an inanimate object as I was to this somewhat reliable bucket of metal, bolts and rubber. After 14 years of faithful service, Yoji (Named after the mediocre tattoo apprentice from Miami Ink of course)…
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Calabogie…More like, Cala-booger, amirite?
So. Last weekend, in my never ending pursuit to not sit down and die in my swivelling office chair, I decided to pretend I was 15 again, and try to go snowboarding not to break my neck whilst hauling ass down a tiny mountain in snow pants. The only catch was we had to listen…
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YYZ –> ORD –> SFO
I can’t fully explain it, but I’ve always had this lingering feeling that I was meant to be a Californian. I did have a childhood filled with Beach Boys records, car shows and surf movies, but I feel it’s not just because of that. I guess it’s kinda like how someone who is trans genuinely…
Bury Me In Vans 
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